Mind Mapping October 3, 2010

Gee, here I go again, Imma splurge my pandora's box so that I can reorganize the idea's and thoughts. Much like one of those cabinets that just has a bunch of stuff in this that we throw inside and suddenly a day of cleaning comes to arrange it all the way. Here we go...

Back then I was like having a wish na well I wish I had a friend here.... and well, when I prayed hard enough and I guess when the right time came, God granted me my wish....

I'm trying to imagine the way things are going and unfolding and I've realized something... When I first met him, I thought, hey isn't this nice, having someone around and hey great I've got a good buddy here.

And for the past couple of weeks.... I wasn't aware but only at this second can I say that that way I thought of him as a friend some what changed. It goes like... well damnit I am starting to really like this guy. Oh but pursuing this won't be a smart plan. Oh why am I feeling jealous all of a sudden then moody?

Well Joey, since you do realize now that while you're together... he does so much boy hunting all and this makes you feel really uncomfortable and sad all of a sudden. Now you realize these, how can I find a solution so that next time things will get better?

Are these all just a bunch of fatigue?

I'm trying to be aware of myself.

Okay Joey, tell yourself this. Don't screw up your friend, he is innocent and you won't feel any better if you do. Tell yourself this ok?

Fine you've had enough but control yourself, it will be worth it til the end... ok?

Well... I started to like him, thing is he doesn't like me back. Which kinda sucks. Joey he already sent you the message loud and clear, he's just not interested in you, but well as friends you go along together. He had been a very kind friend to you, screwing it up just because "I guess if someone doesn't love you back... it isn't such a crime", will not be fair and will not be smart. Having him around gives you company and joy of having someone around. I guess uhm... joey would you want this to situation to go away?

I wish I can be smarter and stronger about all these.

So have a bright bright day and few weeks months years ahead with him ok?

So get yourself all composed and realize this.

And gee, at the end of the day I still realize, damnit, I wish there was still that someone that will just be there to give me a hug, kiss, and well love. Some certain part of this world is turning out to be just crazy... well still again, I'm just here for the simple idea of having someone around to just address my desire to be accompanied and loved and be loved.

I'm seeking for that dynamic of love. Like just having someone around... something like you would want to go home earlier than usual so that you can prepare dinner for him and all... something like it's a friday morning and you're thinking what fun and nice thing you two guys can do for the weekend. Enjoy moments with him, with him with our friends, with him and the world. Love will be awesome, but well gruesome sometimes too. I guess that well, a certain degree of frustration and disappointment which I failed to address came in when the situation unfolded.

He could be ideal... but with this situation less the love.

And then maybe something about the past which I still have not reconciled with myself is still here and causing trouble. Something about my health that just causes a misunderstanding at the center of it all...

I'm also starting to become inggit. yeah. inggit. screw this word. I'm just inggit. When everyone else can just get as much as they want... but for me, I can't because damnit. I still can't. I guess what's worse than a sickness, it a sickness that doesn't heal. A sickness for my body, and a process of reconciliation with myself that just wont happen. Seeing a lot of guys and that desire and being approached and all and at the end I just turn everything down since well... my body and my spirit is still just sick. And I guess ok, now I get now where the need/desire to have someone is coming from, I'm expecting someone to make the step of accepting me because I'm just fed up trying.

I guess after 3...4... years, I ought to reconcile na this issue with myself and just not be so hard towards myself. How do I forgive myself again? I don't know really and maybe that's a clear fault of mine, I didn't think about how to do it. I just went to the battle without studying the dynamics. Something like how? Something like will I need help from someone else? Something like what form of medicine will I require to heal? For once and for all, with all the stupidity and carelessness from the past... I should take the bold step now, Jesus, I need to detach from this na and like heal... start a fresh page.

Hmmm... ok... MIND MAPPING ::: in the middle of these... I realized the thought, it may not be the super center of all the mishaps happening, but it is certainly something that causes the bara in the pipes. Do I feel like I'm exaggerating a thought? pas du tout.