I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind.... At these times... I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. ~J.K. Rowling, "The Pensieve," Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000, spoken by the character Albus Dumbledore
So today at the church… the most simple questions struck me in the utmost mythical manner. Il faut demander soi-même… “comment vais-je?”, how am I? And «Is there a problem ? »
I’m doing really great here in Paris, I have a super nice apartment in the 16th district. Really safe. I have a great 32 inch television here. Big bathroom. Nice kitchen. A good job. A really kind boss. I don’t have friends yet but I’m not stressing on this too much for now. I’m living the dream.
But really… how am I? I actually have been really stupid with actions and words lately that it bothers me to the point of disappointment to myself. Well I’ve been stupid with words and actions are not upto what I had expected them to be. Only will I realize the sense and them impression only after I had done it. I’m not able to focus on thoughts. My French stops. A lot of thoughts bothering me. I’m going to siphon the ideas and thoughts in my mind that’s just making me feel enclosed. Regardless whatever I will say what I will say. Some may be stupid. But this is how I feel. Just like in highschool, when we go on retreats to release pressure… I’m gonna do some excercises like those just right now…
And so I forgot what my boss tells me… that our mind is like a box, it gets full, and when its full, nothing can get in. So keep out stuff that you will not use so new ideas can come in.
Jamie, I never got the chance to tell you I love you. Not a single chance. I realize that upto here where I am now, I’m still mentally attached to your memory even if I want to break free. I feel like I felt really frustrated that I never got the chance to say what I really wanted to say back then, and when I was just about to say so, things went berserk and out of proportions… In a sense that telling you so will not be fitting anymore. I feel like it was a bit of a game when I cannot fully say whatever I wanted. It enclosed me. Cheesy, yes. Some level of vulnerability and something you were fighting, I respected. But now I find myself in the idea of just feeling frustrated and emotions that locate themselves close to the grudge section. So for all I wanted to say… I just want to let go… and hope that siphoning this will work to kill my useless anxiety… Jamie I love you. I really did love you. I wish I could’ve said it to you personally. I wanted us to experience more what was then available for us. I love you. Dearly I miss you. I thought about you a lot. And thought a lot about you for a lot of time. I love you Jamie.
I’m frustrated that my French is not playing fair with what I had expected it to be. I thought it was fine already and usually I conversed well already in class. But surprises surprises… I want to be able to converse well in French.
I’m excited and hoping to get an iPhone tomorrow or at least within the week.
My apartment costs 830 euros a month and I find myself silly that when Pinoys this morning asked me how much my rent was, all I said was mura lang. Back then my mom often said that when she’s asked about me, she often didn’t tell how I was doing career-wise and education-wise. And much was about was she was thinking how others might feel envy or feel bad on how I was doing. I guess she was thinking of something more why she did this. But well… fine… silly my rent is 830 euros a month. And the electricity water wifi internet phone cable is not included ok?
I’ve held on to money for the strongest of the strong for the past months… but yesterday I broke myself free. I bought a lot from Celio and felt great after. I finally got the jeans that I wanted to buy. And tomorrow I’m going to get an iPhone if the lady was kind enough to keep it reserved for me. And its 200 euros + 49 euros a month for 12 months.
So my idea of money now changes. I usually worried about it before. But I’m loosening the screws now. I’m working now, and I’m spending what I had earned before. I deserved
I’ve been pressured lately to fuck around. Geeze these men look awesome. Why are they just by default more muscular and all… suddenly I feel insecure. I hate this because I should not be at all… I should think that I look good in my own respective way. Funny even how this morning someone told me that I even look better than victor basa… Victor basa is great looking, but again in my own respective way, I do too. And now I feel really fat, I don’t know how much I weight but this belly is just making me insecure. Damn. Genes. I want to get rid of them.
Fuck around with anonymous men here? That’s hot. But damn, I just don’t feel 100% that I wont get any form of STD. Seriously… with the safest of the safest form… 100%?
What have I got to do to clear the cloud on this? Well I’ve learned back then and then after I don’t do that just with anyone. Yeah I’m like this… So what have I go to do to clear the cloud on this?
I’m not like anybody else, I am Angelo M. Reyes, of course I deserve what I have been getting lately. But being brought up to a high level is not the point of it all, the idea is sustaining it and raising the bar… one/I should be able to achieve or create something that is bigger than me.
I really do not believe in Noynoy at all, I want him to portray a smart looking aura. Again I often say and wonder… back then it was Aquino as senadors and Marcos as president… now, its marcoses as senadors and aquinos as president. And then I ask… “ano kaya ang mangyayare… ano kaya?”
I feel like I’m raised up and suddenly at this level, even Filipinos I’ve talked to lately have been awed by the status of my work. My mom should be well be given credits to what I have become now and how high I am… true that still one should keep his feet on the ground and that I shall forever do. Being up high isn’t the end of the game, Noynoy makes me wonder if he can sustain the flight… when we cannot break something, say a jar or an egg, we raise it to give it more force when it hits the floor to release what is inside. Noynoy is way up there… he wasn’t my pick, but okay I do wish with passion still that he would be there to do the country great and not great cheap chismis.
Ika nga…”Minsan itinataas tayo, para lang ibagsak tayo at makita ang anumang mali”.
For me, I certainly wish that I sustain this flight and still climb and raise it high. Slowly but effectively. And for it to be called a really successful flight, is to land only when at the will of the pilot given the right time, and the right distance. Sure there may be turbulences and storm during the flight… but it’s a must to know to maneuver well all throughout, even using fuel wisely that opportunities do not go to waste.
And I’m loving great architecture lately. The Opera, Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower has been the ones that I see most often. I even dedicated an hour last night just watching documentaries about French history and engineering.
I realize there is so so much to do in Paris, so for now I’m still okay not having friends here. But really a part of me wishes I find some soon. Great angels to be there with me and have fun with me in this city called Paris.
Yes I will be here, for a long time… I don’t know until when.
So there… I hope everything goes better with me.
