On being insecure

Today I had internet and tv cable installed. And before the curry smelling guy left, we had a little misunderstanding since I wasn't able to cope up with his French. Instead to clear up whatever we had not agreed upon on... I told him to call his colleague and ask what I cannot answer.

And in return tells the colleague... that I poorly speak French and has been explained something incorrectly. At some point of hearing that him say that in French which I am sure I full understood, I felt an ego blow, I felt uncomfortable and just wanted that curry to leave.

I felt eaten, insecure somewhere between the lines.

And when I closed the door... I asked... why am I feeling this again?

Is it because I wasn't able to cope up with his expectations for me to converse with him?

Because he said the truth?

Silly.

Usually when I feel bad, I siege to the thought that I'm just missing some explanation or idea that if I discover... everything will be okay and the rest will seem silly.

And I look up to Gaga for more than the music, she gives me ideas sometimes and makes me ask questions on how we feel sometimes...

And a few moments ago, I felt normal again after I asked a few questions which were not necessarily answered... something like...

What actually is the criteria to make me feel insecure...?

Poorly put on clothes?
Unable to speak a language?

Inability to meet other people's demand?

Fear?

Lack of money?

Gee... On my birthday I saw a bunch of people on Manila bay with barely nothing to in their life but insecurity isn't something that worries them.

You think they are higher and better than you?

Who sets the criteria anyway on what is correct?

And I continued to deconstruct ideas that society had made and analyzed.

So what if I'm the only one different looking in a room. Is that a requisite already to feel insecure?

Red + Yellow = Orange... this is chemistry.

Different + passionate = insecurity?

And I continue to play with the idea of human instinct just like merryll streep in devil where's prada... Much like... if you're the one always yakking and blabbing all the time, you're not making other people curious... and humans tend to always want to get something they dont know or don't have. And it makes me raise an eyebrow whenever those character in the movie... just keeps an eye on whatever merryl will be up to. Merryll being a quite, reserved type... the idea that portrays an image that there's something always brewing in the mind.

One more I remember...

This french woman... client. I greeted her warmly with a smile... Came over my first day at work... calls the products we made in bulacan shit... even gazed an eye on to me and asked.. "Are you tired?"

I just said no and smiled. I pretty much didn't care, really. I was prepared that day for some reason to meet people that are just silly. With much confidence and a boat that still floats on water I continued my day.

And the other day she came back... I just kept me to myself and continued rolling and counting the fabrics. The idea and image that portrays that something is brewing in my mind and that is you just got yourself a bad impression on me. I barely bothered myself with her. The cold shoulder treatment. And surprisingly she was so warm at me and all and all and smiling that second day.

Was it that she was just having a bad day the other day? Could be. But I'd stick to my beliefs.

So really now... people make stuff, beliefs and all for their own benefits but with the price of misfortune of others. Silly.

But I'd make and live on my own.