Still

It has been several months. Still. the most beautiful photos are the ones where you smile. I find myself sad and crying secretely at night because of this loss. Still. Yes I somewhat regret some I ask several questions I think about you, us I am seeking the day I shall be free from this of you, or that day when it will still be me and you again.

Happy People

Often, my working days end up in a note where it just makes my spirit down.

From all what I will call as childish unrest and badly constructed criticism from my workmates usually - I'd say I have had enough of this already. Can someone please make me learn to let these just roll of my back?

Because its weekend and I only want great things and great spirit to unroll on these wonderful days. And right now... I feel like I'm about to be sick, great thoughts will work well as a first aid.

A few days ago, when I felt the sunny day just felt gloomy... I made a few mental exercises.

I imagined just people who can immediately make me smile just imagining their faces inside my head. It felt funny, but it was fun and relaxing to do.

How I miss friends back home.

I have got to give it to Gibbs and Ace. Natatawa na lang ako automatically when I imagine their goofy ways and ever entertaining powers inside my head. McVie and our coffee kwentuhan stories, wasn't those just great ways to spend the whole afternoon? Chris and everyone else from the fabcasters and mggff.

At this day, I celebrate the ever so positive and wonderful idea in my head of seeing you people again in August and this idea inside my head is just powerful enough to make every part of me really happy. I want to know how everyone is doing.

August. The friends. On a pool, drinks, barbecue, coffee and dinner nights.

I am very much looking for this month to come.

Finding a reason to be here

My mom always asks me how I am doing here and always, I don’t tell her I am doing here. Today me and a friend had a talk and after the talk I realized and remembered why I chose to be here and that is because it is what I needed to do and not exactly what I wanted to. Being here would be good for my future and for me. Well that was what I thought of back then.

But being here in Paris brings me actually sadness. I’ve been ranting about this for months now, sometimes the issue goes off but well it comes back everyonce in a while. Why? I actually felt really happy back home in Manila – and the fact that up to now I am so attached to Manila and all the people I love and in turn also makes me feel loved. Which is not the case here.

I do have friends here now. But I don’t know… must I be constantly and continually accompanied like a baby so I don’t bicker and cry like one?

I’ve been also praying and playing in my mind that someday I will find love here, and still today I hope I stumble upon that luck soon.

It’s an idea which may seem like a panakip butas to the problem but I’d think it may actually be also the solution.

Peace. Exactly what I feel when I’m with Frederic. Exactly what I feel everytime I with people I like.

The feeling of just being contented much with the moment and just being really at peace.

Too bad he’s taken. Drats… that stings.

So still I’m on the search for the thing that will attach me to this city.

I'm back.

This morning made me come back.

It may be the prayers or the efforts, but I'm back on my quest now.

And if there will be a wish... I wish I can make it, and keep my focus.

I'm in Paris... I have shared the same sentiments with a friend but I got derailed somewhere and now I'm back.

We want to make it big in life.

We want to be not just ordinary.

We want to put our name and make a mark on this world.

And this morning made me ask...

How did great people from all over the world make their name big?

What did they need to do and what is it that they did to just be known?

King louis xiv? steve jobs? even my boss. What did they have?

How do I increase my net worth to maybe at least 1 billion dollars?

Great things all start from small beginnings.
And these great things will all start from these questions.

I'm back. yes I'm back.

Observations

I need to be checked how well I'm doing and re-corrected and realigned every once in a while.

If not, I tend to go out of focus, and whine and do evil things.

So now I'm in a better state of mind.

Maybe this is something that kept me so just sharp back then. A lot of people around that acts as my pillars holding me in position.

And now I realized losing them meant a fall not immediately seen by the eye but felt inside me.

When I was asked a while ago... why am I sad?

I couldn't answer the real answer.

Deep inside I found the answer silly so I just kept it in. Actually I feel like I'm just screaming for attention. Wanting some concern. Well really nobody felt like nobody cared about me here. Yeah I'm sick so who cares? This and the old reasons I had and felt ever since a long time ago. Lives until now.

I hope I stop whining now. I need to be like more considerate, thankful, more spiritual, think more of the bigger picture... the blessings that I have and the city I'm in etcetera.

I hope that I pray more.

Bisous!

Envy & Frustrations

And yes the image does look familiar, Envy.

One of the seven deadly sins that has captivated me lately dead on.

Envy. I've been very envious lately... Well I guess having my roomate around is one big mistake I've made lately. Oh envy... layuan mo ako! Well let's just say its 530am now, roomate just got home from another encounter from an uber gorge guy. blah blah.

Why do I feel like this lately?

Well I've just had enough blabbing of my roomate about his fortune and pool of the guys he just had effortlessly met. Silly. I guess that's the core of it all.

Well guess what, I've been wanting to meet a Mister as well. But my spirit is put down by all the.... (lol, actually just writing this down is making me realize already how silly I might be lately well..)

my spirit is put down by all the zero count that I've had. Well consequently, this just makes me feel insecure, unattractive and just way uber focused on that greeny greeny word. My god?! I need prayers, I aint like this.

What the hell!? Silently I said to myself and self crowned myself back then as someone who is just stable, good looking at my own rights, and confident. Where did my mojo go??? Doh.

"I Love Life... I love paris.. Dont you Angelo..?" That's what my roomate said to me before

dozing off. I just pretended I was sleeping.

How about HPV? The thought has been killing me in more ways that one. Screw this mayhem. So what now? Am I a "damaged good" forever? SCREW SCREW SCREW. How effin lucky was that.

You know... when I go out. People do show interest, but I dont even if I want to. Screw HPV.

Welcome to the other dimension!

Mind Mapping October 3, 2010

Gee, here I go again, Imma splurge my pandora's box so that I can reorganize the idea's and thoughts. Much like one of those cabinets that just has a bunch of stuff in this that we throw inside and suddenly a day of cleaning comes to arrange it all the way. Here we go...

Back then I was like having a wish na well I wish I had a friend here.... and well, when I prayed hard enough and I guess when the right time came, God granted me my wish....

I'm trying to imagine the way things are going and unfolding and I've realized something... When I first met him, I thought, hey isn't this nice, having someone around and hey great I've got a good buddy here.

And for the past couple of weeks.... I wasn't aware but only at this second can I say that that way I thought of him as a friend some what changed. It goes like... well damnit I am starting to really like this guy. Oh but pursuing this won't be a smart plan. Oh why am I feeling jealous all of a sudden then moody?

Well Joey, since you do realize now that while you're together... he does so much boy hunting all and this makes you feel really uncomfortable and sad all of a sudden. Now you realize these, how can I find a solution so that next time things will get better?

Are these all just a bunch of fatigue?

I'm trying to be aware of myself.

Okay Joey, tell yourself this. Don't screw up your friend, he is innocent and you won't feel any better if you do. Tell yourself this ok?

Fine you've had enough but control yourself, it will be worth it til the end... ok?

Well... I started to like him, thing is he doesn't like me back. Which kinda sucks. Joey he already sent you the message loud and clear, he's just not interested in you, but well as friends you go along together. He had been a very kind friend to you, screwing it up just because "I guess if someone doesn't love you back... it isn't such a crime", will not be fair and will not be smart. Having him around gives you company and joy of having someone around. I guess uhm... joey would you want this to situation to go away?

I wish I can be smarter and stronger about all these.

So have a bright bright day and few weeks months years ahead with him ok?

So get yourself all composed and realize this.

And gee, at the end of the day I still realize, damnit, I wish there was still that someone that will just be there to give me a hug, kiss, and well love. Some certain part of this world is turning out to be just crazy... well still again, I'm just here for the simple idea of having someone around to just address my desire to be accompanied and loved and be loved.

I'm seeking for that dynamic of love. Like just having someone around... something like you would want to go home earlier than usual so that you can prepare dinner for him and all... something like it's a friday morning and you're thinking what fun and nice thing you two guys can do for the weekend. Enjoy moments with him, with him with our friends, with him and the world. Love will be awesome, but well gruesome sometimes too. I guess that well, a certain degree of frustration and disappointment which I failed to address came in when the situation unfolded.

He could be ideal... but with this situation less the love.

And then maybe something about the past which I still have not reconciled with myself is still here and causing trouble. Something about my health that just causes a misunderstanding at the center of it all...

I'm also starting to become inggit. yeah. inggit. screw this word. I'm just inggit. When everyone else can just get as much as they want... but for me, I can't because damnit. I still can't. I guess what's worse than a sickness, it a sickness that doesn't heal. A sickness for my body, and a process of reconciliation with myself that just wont happen. Seeing a lot of guys and that desire and being approached and all and at the end I just turn everything down since well... my body and my spirit is still just sick. And I guess ok, now I get now where the need/desire to have someone is coming from, I'm expecting someone to make the step of accepting me because I'm just fed up trying.

I guess after 3...4... years, I ought to reconcile na this issue with myself and just not be so hard towards myself. How do I forgive myself again? I don't know really and maybe that's a clear fault of mine, I didn't think about how to do it. I just went to the battle without studying the dynamics. Something like how? Something like will I need help from someone else? Something like what form of medicine will I require to heal? For once and for all, with all the stupidity and carelessness from the past... I should take the bold step now, Jesus, I need to detach from this na and like heal... start a fresh page.

Hmmm... ok... MIND MAPPING ::: in the middle of these... I realized the thought, it may not be the super center of all the mishaps happening, but it is certainly something that causes the bara in the pipes. Do I feel like I'm exaggerating a thought? pas du tout.

and I still haven't got any friends! roar!

and I realize I self destruct slowly and unconsciously both physically and mentally pag wala akong kausap. LOL

... tak... tak... tak...

so I'm going to go to the club.

fine. oo na.

gee... thing is I need friends... not a fuck.

french guys, sure they fuck well, and then... kthnxbye

Ok, what is up with me being exaggeratedly shy?

just no confidence.

and pessimistic.

roar.

where was me a long time ago?

cheerful

kalog

sharp

just greater than me on this day

fine. oo na. I'm going to go to the club and party and try to meet people.

and what is up with me always thinking that this club is just a place to absolutely look for a fuck.

of course that happens.

but then again, as I said before..

being always the exception aint so cool all the time...

Fuck I'm starting to hate life here now.

Hand me the world on a silver platter and what good would it be with no one to share no one who truly cares for me

What points am I missing? Who will talk to me about this anyway?

I'm stupid now, silly, crazy and loosing directions. I dont know.

I'm miserable.

looking for friends... not even... just someone to talk to.

self destructing.

over spending.

out of control.

anway despite all these drama, I'm still here, smiling. Exerting efforts to make things look seemless. :)

oo na, i'm going to go that club

gee,

roar, in short, kung iisipin, nde nga problema ang pinproblema ko.

i need to pray.

i go to the church.

i speak to god.

but i'm not praying.

i'd think of it like this...

these happen as a sign, that God gives me nobody to talk to, to remind me that remain our connection together.

...

Okay... I'm slipping down.

Always alone. Sitting in a park. Day dreaming.

Under a monument. Wishing. Hoping. Dining out. Along the boulevard. The streets. The lights. Under a tree. On the train. In my room. Living. Breathing

Often alone lately.

Lying on the floor, staring at myself on the mirror.

Alone. Looking for people where I could see myself fit in comfortably.

Looking for someone, though not really stressing much... I'd be really happy if this will happen.

The sadness of being alone is starting to eat my heart and brain... and suffocate me.

Then again, I'd rather be alone than be with people I'd rather not be with. I'm still and will not be that desperate.

To anyone that is not sure on how to express themselves, I would say spend a lot of time reading books and going to museums, watching old films, movies and researching on the internet and make a folder of the things that you really love.

I think thats a good way to start figuring out of who you are, you will see that images will start to make sense... there will be a thorough line of your philosophy.

- Gaga

Accounting

I love accounting... and it drives me crazy when I lost track of where my money goes.

Here goes my kick for putting order in my monthly costs. Gee. Its steep. Nonetheless. Its a decent standard of living.

Rent	500
Phone	61
Internet/Phone/Cable	34
Electricty & Water	30
Workday - Lunch	40
Groceries per month (35/week)	140
Haircut	20
Transportation	30
Approx Monthly Unavoidable Cost	855

Salary - Monthly Cost = Cash I have for having fun and shopping and all.
Gee... I wonder if there is some cost in the middle I can avoid...

On being insecure

Today I had internet and tv cable installed. And before the curry smelling guy left, we had a little misunderstanding since I wasn't able to cope up with his French. Instead to clear up whatever we had not agreed upon on... I told him to call his colleague and ask what I cannot answer.

And in return tells the colleague... that I poorly speak French and has been explained something incorrectly. At some point of hearing that him say that in French which I am sure I full understood, I felt an ego blow, I felt uncomfortable and just wanted that curry to leave.

I felt eaten, insecure somewhere between the lines.

And when I closed the door... I asked... why am I feeling this again?

Is it because I wasn't able to cope up with his expectations for me to converse with him?

Because he said the truth?

Silly.

Usually when I feel bad, I siege to the thought that I'm just missing some explanation or idea that if I discover... everything will be okay and the rest will seem silly.

And I look up to Gaga for more than the music, she gives me ideas sometimes and makes me ask questions on how we feel sometimes...

And a few moments ago, I felt normal again after I asked a few questions which were not necessarily answered... something like...

What actually is the criteria to make me feel insecure...?

Poorly put on clothes?
Unable to speak a language?

Inability to meet other people's demand?

Fear?

Lack of money?

Gee... On my birthday I saw a bunch of people on Manila bay with barely nothing to in their life but insecurity isn't something that worries them.

You think they are higher and better than you?

Who sets the criteria anyway on what is correct?

And I continued to deconstruct ideas that society had made and analyzed.

So what if I'm the only one different looking in a room. Is that a requisite already to feel insecure?

Red + Yellow = Orange... this is chemistry.

Different + passionate = insecurity?

And I continue to play with the idea of human instinct just like merryll streep in devil where's prada... Much like... if you're the one always yakking and blabbing all the time, you're not making other people curious... and humans tend to always want to get something they dont know or don't have. And it makes me raise an eyebrow whenever those character in the movie... just keeps an eye on whatever merryl will be up to. Merryll being a quite, reserved type... the idea that portrays an image that there's something always brewing in the mind.

One more I remember...

This french woman... client. I greeted her warmly with a smile... Came over my first day at work... calls the products we made in bulacan shit... even gazed an eye on to me and asked.. "Are you tired?"

I just said no and smiled. I pretty much didn't care, really. I was prepared that day for some reason to meet people that are just silly. With much confidence and a boat that still floats on water I continued my day.

And the other day she came back... I just kept me to myself and continued rolling and counting the fabrics. The idea and image that portrays that something is brewing in my mind and that is you just got yourself a bad impression on me. I barely bothered myself with her. The cold shoulder treatment. And surprisingly she was so warm at me and all and all and smiling that second day.

Was it that she was just having a bad day the other day? Could be. But I'd stick to my beliefs.

So really now... people make stuff, beliefs and all for their own benefits but with the price of misfortune of others. Silly.

But I'd make and live on my own.

iPhone

gee.... Finally I got me an iPhone 4. I love it.

I remember that back then when I was working in Geneva... on my third salary, the 3GS came out, but I locked my hands in my pocket and thought that its just not right to buy it yet and I saved the money.

Okay so I got an iPhone finally. Awesome.

How am I doing?

I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind.... At these times... I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. ~J.K. Rowling, "The Pensieve," Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000, spoken by the character Albus Dumbledore

So today at the church… the most simple questions struck me in the utmost mythical manner. Il faut demander soi-même… “comment vais-je?”, how am I? And «Is there a problem ? »

I’m doing really great here in Paris, I have a super nice apartment in the 16th district. Really safe. I have a great 32 inch television here. Big bathroom. Nice kitchen. A good job. A really kind boss. I don’t have friends yet but I’m not stressing on this too much for now. I’m living the dream.

But really… how am I? I actually have been really stupid with actions and words lately that it bothers me to the point of disappointment to myself. Well I’ve been stupid with words and actions are not upto what I had expected them to be. Only will I realize the sense and them impression only after I had done it. I’m not able to focus on thoughts. My French stops. A lot of thoughts bothering me. I’m going to siphon the ideas and thoughts in my mind that’s just making me feel enclosed. Regardless whatever I will say what I will say. Some may be stupid. But this is how I feel. Just like in highschool, when we go on retreats to release pressure… I’m gonna do some excercises like those just right now…

And so I forgot what my boss tells me… that our mind is like a box, it gets full, and when its full, nothing can get in. So keep out stuff that you will not use so new ideas can come in.

Jamie, I never got the chance to tell you I love you. Not a single chance. I realize that upto here where I am now, I’m still mentally attached to your memory even if I want to break free. I feel like I felt really frustrated that I never got the chance to say what I really wanted to say back then, and when I was just about to say so, things went berserk and out of proportions… In a sense that telling you so will not be fitting anymore. I feel like it was a bit of a game when I cannot fully say whatever I wanted. It enclosed me. Cheesy, yes. Some level of vulnerability and something you were fighting, I respected. But now I find myself in the idea of just feeling frustrated and emotions that locate themselves close to the grudge section. So for all I wanted to say… I just want to let go… and hope that siphoning this will work to kill my useless anxiety… Jamie I love you. I really did love you. I wish I could’ve said it to you personally. I wanted us to experience more what was then available for us. I love you. Dearly I miss you. I thought about you a lot. And thought a lot about you for a lot of time. I love you Jamie.

I’m frustrated that my French is not playing fair with what I had expected it to be. I thought it was fine already and usually I conversed well already in class. But surprises surprises… I want to be able to converse well in French.

I’m excited and hoping to get an iPhone tomorrow or at least within the week.

My apartment costs 830 euros a month and I find myself silly that when Pinoys this morning asked me how much my rent was, all I said was mura lang. Back then my mom often said that when she’s asked about me, she often didn’t tell how I was doing career-wise and education-wise. And much was about was she was thinking how others might feel envy or feel bad on how I was doing. I guess she was thinking of something more why she did this. But well… fine… silly my rent is 830 euros a month. And the electricity water wifi internet phone cable is not included ok?

I’ve held on to money for the strongest of the strong for the past months… but yesterday I broke myself free. I bought a lot from Celio and felt great after. I finally got the jeans that I wanted to buy. And tomorrow I’m going to get an iPhone if the lady was kind enough to keep it reserved for me. And its 200 euros + 49 euros a month for 12 months.

So my idea of money now changes. I usually worried about it before. But I’m loosening the screws now. I’m working now, and I’m spending what I had earned before. I deserved

I’ve been pressured lately to fuck around. Geeze these men look awesome. Why are they just by default more muscular and all… suddenly I feel insecure. I hate this because I should not be at all… I should think that I look good in my own respective way. Funny even how this morning someone told me that I even look better than victor basa… Victor basa is great looking, but again in my own respective way, I do too. And now I feel really fat, I don’t know how much I weight but this belly is just making me insecure. Damn. Genes. I want to get rid of them.

Fuck around with anonymous men here? That’s hot. But damn, I just don’t feel 100% that I wont get any form of STD. Seriously… with the safest of the safest form… 100%?

What have I got to do to clear the cloud on this? Well I’ve learned back then and then after I don’t do that just with anyone. Yeah I’m like this… So what have I go to do to clear the cloud on this?

I’m not like anybody else, I am Angelo M. Reyes, of course I deserve what I have been getting lately. But being brought up to a high level is not the point of it all, the idea is sustaining it and raising the bar… one/I should be able to achieve or create something that is bigger than me.

I really do not believe in Noynoy at all, I want him to portray a smart looking aura. Again I often say and wonder… back then it was Aquino as senadors and Marcos as president… now, its marcoses as senadors and aquinos as president. And then I ask… “ano kaya ang mangyayare… ano kaya?”

I feel like I’m raised up and suddenly at this level, even Filipinos I’ve talked to lately have been awed by the status of my work. My mom should be well be given credits to what I have become now and how high I am… true that still one should keep his feet on the ground and that I shall forever do. Being up high isn’t the end of the game, Noynoy makes me wonder if he can sustain the flight… when we cannot break something, say a jar or an egg, we raise it to give it more force when it hits the floor to release what is inside. Noynoy is way up there… he wasn’t my pick, but okay I do wish with passion still that he would be there to do the country great and not great cheap chismis.

Ika nga…”Minsan itinataas tayo, para lang ibagsak tayo at makita ang anumang mali”.

For me, I certainly wish that I sustain this flight and still climb and raise it high. Slowly but effectively. And for it to be called a really successful flight, is to land only when at the will of the pilot given the right time, and the right distance. Sure there may be turbulences and storm during the flight… but it’s a must to know to maneuver well all throughout, even using fuel wisely that opportunities do not go to waste.

And I’m loving great architecture lately. The Opera, Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower has been the ones that I see most often. I even dedicated an hour last night just watching documentaries about French history and engineering.

I realize there is so so much to do in Paris, so for now I’m still okay not having friends here. But really a part of me wishes I find some soon. Great angels to be there with me and have fun with me in this city called Paris.

Yes I will be here, for a long time… I don’t know until when.

So there… I hope everything goes better with me.

Williams Theorem

So its 433 am. I still can't sleep since I slept too early and all them excuses. So there is a thought in my mind that has been running around.

I'm glad to know that someone that I was madly in love with before is going to visit me soon, probably within the month of July. It has been since last September 1, 2009 since we last saw each other and it has been quite some pain having seen him for the last moments. He even woke up at 5am just to take me to the train station and well... when the train started to go... he left me with his last memory when he ran along the platform to wave farewell. Just like in the movies. Sweet. But not entirely.

It has been since last September 1, 2009. We had communicated for a few times thru internet for the next few days or weeks until we eventually moved on to our own lives and barely lost communication.

So uhm... Yeah there. He's going to visit me soon and I'm excited and happy to see him. But with the time gap between the train and today... I realized... I don't actually feel the same feeling towards him anymore. But take note that I still treat him and really honestly find him as a really great friend upto now. So communication loss + time = depreciation of love?

Makes me wonder on another note... So I guess when I said "let's remain great friends" to you whom I said these words and I'm aware that I did/do love you... Will we eventually really just become friends and the next time I see you, will I still feel the same warmth that sets my soul on fire... or will "communication loss + time = depreciation of love?".

Thanks

Gee... Lord.... thank you... I'm just really overwhelmed. I don't know where to start. The small spoons? The tv? Can I just say thank you for everything.

Possibilities

Since life is not always about all work and all fun... A quick note to myself of things I can do here in Paris later when I'm more stable

1. Look for opportunities... Money making opportunities? friends... networking

2. Bikram yoga

3. Join the gym

4. Running 10km runs

5. Visit museums...?

6........

How much will you pay to see me in Paris?

I'm just toying in my head how much will it take for someone back home will spend to pay me a visit here in Paris...

Airfare: I'll say 1000$ = PhP 45,000

Schengen Visa: PhP3,600

Hotel / Accomodation (hey even for 2 weeks or more if they want): Free

Airport Shuttle Bus roundtrip already: (18.20 Euros) PhP 1,050

Entrance to attractions & museums: (90euros?) PhP5000?

Dining Out... this is a tricky. Ill say 180-200 euros is more than enough for a week. And we can always dine at my apartment. this saves a lot of money so I'll put PhP10,000

Transportation: (30 euros?) : PhP2,000

Miscellaneous (50 euros?): PhP3,000

So approx PhP70,000. My mom can do this in just 50k. She just sits in a bench on a Park... bring a big baguette and some cheese... and she's really happy already.

Gee... This sounds nice for a basic free & easy trip to Paris. And normally I spend very basic and simple when I travel.

Travelling doesn't have to really cost a gazillion amount of money. Some people spend so much while travelling, spend a lot and then complain that travelling costs so much. Silly. But then I believe that are always loop holes in the process that gives us convenience. Like a friend who lives in Paris.

Then again people tend to go to other European countries for a grand eurotrip when get the chance to go here... erm... that costs and not part of my calculation. Again this is "How much will you pay to see me in Paris?"

Gee... I do hope friends and families visit me soon.

Prayer

Okay… I was overwhelmed about how the past 48 hours have been… I’ll take the hour off by untangling a mess I’m feeling inside my head.

So I though I’m leaving Manila with an 830pm flight via Thai Airways… surprise! it was moved to 10pm. So this was the Buena mano stress thing for me. I was transferred to a 730pm flight via Philippine Airlines which meant that we were taken via a old Japanese bus to the PAL NAIA terminal which just made me carry all my luggage by myself and through that really mataas na bus. I was tired already.

And things went on smoothly (though I was in a hurry) and I got on my 1205am flight in Bangkok to Paris where I was seated at seat A59. Surprise! My seat is broken… when I lie on my back the chair just reclines itself even if I didn’t push any buttons. So at dinner time, I lied on my back and this French lady behind me told me…

“No! No! No!”… and I gave myself defense that it is not me… it’s the chair. She didn’t listen and gave me a bad face… well I spoke in English. So I called up a flight attendant and I wanted to be transferred to another seat because of the seat I have… but before that the friends of the lady started making explanations and all. Well… “ce n’ètait pas moi, c’est la chaise, vous voyez... il y a une problème avec la chaise, si je me reste le dos sur la chaise, automatiquement, la chaise se recliner.” (its not me, its the chair, you see, when I rest my back on the chair.. it automatically reclines.) So I gave my press release in French and they just finally toned down. Surprise!!! I can speak French.

Beuhhh.. enough of that.. at least I got myself transferred to a better seat. Exit row seats.. these cost an extra 50euro a pop! Sweet. Yeah, as they say, there are great opportunities in times of crisis. I think I could have transferred to the first class seats. Damn. I ran out of gas… ok I’ll fill up more gas next time.

Throughout my flight… I can’t help but feel oh so nostalgic. Memories of the past few weeks just played itself inside my head. Again I hate this that I appreciate things more when they are gone. And I’ll regret that damn… I wish I could have done more. I wish we could have talked more together. I wish I wish. And yeah now, I do realize there are so so much things I loved and will miss back home. Especially the people whom I have been with and enjoyed so much moments. The group of people who touched my life, the one who touched my heart.

And I finally arrived in Charles de Gaulle Aeroport at around 640am, out of the airport by 730… Took the bus going to Paris at 745am… got to Paris by 845am… In the hotel by 930am.

Sat down for an hour as I was just lost and excited to be connected to the internet after having been disconnected for a little less than a day! Haha.

So what else happened uhm…

I finally met my boss at exactly 12 noon, but before that I got lost since I forgot already the streets! Haha.

And she showed me my desk… once more… the office. The warehouse of more than 8000 articles for making hats and other fashion accessories that is H.A. Schmid.

Lunch was something… I oughta get used to this. A salade ceasar au poulet (chicken ceasar salad) then a steak with fries for main course, and tiramisu for desert… + coffee. I was full.

And I opened a bank account. Took me 1000 signatures. Yeah in france.. everything is just more complicated. Vachement compliqué. As my boss tells it.

And I signed up for internet at Orange.. gee! July 10 pa ang connect! LOL dito ako na errr…

While me and my boss was talking and walking along the streets from the bank…

I asked her... that I wanted to deposit the money here in my pocket. Well she told me to go to the bank and the place where she showed me… “but you’ll probably spend it anyway”… and so here I find myself clashed between two worlds where I’m now focusing to find that balance.

I couldn’t remember quite all the words said… but the idea is… my mom is someone who saves money, for the future, economical, practical.

My boss… lives for the moment, get what you want.

And after that day we went to Mercedez Benz garage to get her car.

Gee… I need to find friends.

And I died from the tiring day that I had. At the beginning my French was okay, then nung gabi na… from the fatigue and all. Kung anu anu na ata ang sinasabi ko. haha

My Prayer.

Oh Lord Jesus… There is quite some handful of thoughts playing inside my head…

I remember my tita armi told us this before… “Ang mga tao dasal ng dasal na humihingi ng bahay, pera, manalo sa lotto etcetera… pero lahat yan ay binigay na ng Diyos, dapat ang dinadasal ng tao ngayon ay kung papano nila makukuha yung gusto nila… kung anu ang dapat nila gawin para makuha yoon.”

And so that will be my prayer. I do wish that I will be able to keep the right balance where I can respect my current identity, my past and my now. That I wish I will remember always the people, lessons, objects that had contributed to what I am right now.

And I just want to think that one reason kung bakit binigay sa akin itong opportunity na ito is because I can be someone who can handle the balancing act. I’m going to try to be the best Gemini that I am, a personality that fits well with the French, and still keeping that me towards my other beliefs.

What I am is from what I have been throughout the life before this, taking that away is like taking away my foundation, doing this is like not a good idea.

I do hope I will always be smart and find humility in mistakes that I will commit. And this shall be something to will make me better and something not to tip me off my focus.

I pray that I will be strong, and will be able to find peace inside myself.

I wish that You will help me more and more intelligent. Become a better person. And have that skill that easily sweeps off stress.

I wish you will never get tired of taking care and blessing my country. For no matter how much of a circus show it can be, it is what it is. And do always remember especially my family, relatives, the people who have touched my life, and the one that has touched my heart.

When I feel weak and in crisis, I wish You will teach me directions towards that opportunity of finding the awesome from the unpleasant.

And oh… help us to find peace. Patience, help me learn patience. Stable personality. Firm identity. Happiness always. Positive thinking. Choosing the best among the choices. Intelligence. It’s all in the mind.

Please do help me know where I can find angels that will be good for me that will be my friends here in Paris. I hope they pass by my way soon.

Thank you for this great opportunity. This will be a part of a great chapter of my book.