Still

It has been several months. Still. the most beautiful photos are the ones where you smile. I find myself sad and crying secretely at night because of this loss. Still. Yes I somewhat regret some I ask several questions I think about you, us I am seeking the day I shall be free from this of you, or that day when it will still be me and you again.

Happy People

Often, my working days end up in a note where it just makes my spirit down.

From all what I will call as childish unrest and badly constructed criticism from my workmates usually - I'd say I have had enough of this already. Can someone please make me learn to let these just roll of my back?

Because its weekend and I only want great things and great spirit to unroll on these wonderful days. And right now... I feel like I'm about to be sick, great thoughts will work well as a first aid.

A few days ago, when I felt the sunny day just felt gloomy... I made a few mental exercises.

I imagined just people who can immediately make me smile just imagining their faces inside my head. It felt funny, but it was fun and relaxing to do.

How I miss friends back home.

I have got to give it to Gibbs and Ace. Natatawa na lang ako automatically when I imagine their goofy ways and ever entertaining powers inside my head. McVie and our coffee kwentuhan stories, wasn't those just great ways to spend the whole afternoon? Chris and everyone else from the fabcasters and mggff.

At this day, I celebrate the ever so positive and wonderful idea in my head of seeing you people again in August and this idea inside my head is just powerful enough to make every part of me really happy. I want to know how everyone is doing.

August. The friends. On a pool, drinks, barbecue, coffee and dinner nights.

I am very much looking for this month to come.

Finding a reason to be here

My mom always asks me how I am doing here and always, I don’t tell her I am doing here. Today me and a friend had a talk and after the talk I realized and remembered why I chose to be here and that is because it is what I needed to do and not exactly what I wanted to. Being here would be good for my future and for me. Well that was what I thought of back then.

But being here in Paris brings me actually sadness. I’ve been ranting about this for months now, sometimes the issue goes off but well it comes back everyonce in a while. Why? I actually felt really happy back home in Manila – and the fact that up to now I am so attached to Manila and all the people I love and in turn also makes me feel loved. Which is not the case here.

I do have friends here now. But I don’t know… must I be constantly and continually accompanied like a baby so I don’t bicker and cry like one?

I’ve been also praying and playing in my mind that someday I will find love here, and still today I hope I stumble upon that luck soon.

It’s an idea which may seem like a panakip butas to the problem but I’d think it may actually be also the solution.

Peace. Exactly what I feel when I’m with Frederic. Exactly what I feel everytime I with people I like.

The feeling of just being contented much with the moment and just being really at peace.

Too bad he’s taken. Drats… that stings.

So still I’m on the search for the thing that will attach me to this city.

I'm back.

This morning made me come back.

It may be the prayers or the efforts, but I'm back on my quest now.

And if there will be a wish... I wish I can make it, and keep my focus.

I'm in Paris... I have shared the same sentiments with a friend but I got derailed somewhere and now I'm back.

We want to make it big in life.

We want to be not just ordinary.

We want to put our name and make a mark on this world.

And this morning made me ask...

How did great people from all over the world make their name big?

What did they need to do and what is it that they did to just be known?

King louis xiv? steve jobs? even my boss. What did they have?

How do I increase my net worth to maybe at least 1 billion dollars?

Great things all start from small beginnings.
And these great things will all start from these questions.

I'm back. yes I'm back.

Observations

I need to be checked how well I'm doing and re-corrected and realigned every once in a while.

If not, I tend to go out of focus, and whine and do evil things.

So now I'm in a better state of mind.

Maybe this is something that kept me so just sharp back then. A lot of people around that acts as my pillars holding me in position.

And now I realized losing them meant a fall not immediately seen by the eye but felt inside me.

When I was asked a while ago... why am I sad?

I couldn't answer the real answer.

Deep inside I found the answer silly so I just kept it in. Actually I feel like I'm just screaming for attention. Wanting some concern. Well really nobody felt like nobody cared about me here. Yeah I'm sick so who cares? This and the old reasons I had and felt ever since a long time ago. Lives until now.

I hope I stop whining now. I need to be like more considerate, thankful, more spiritual, think more of the bigger picture... the blessings that I have and the city I'm in etcetera.

I hope that I pray more.

Bisous!

Envy & Frustrations

And yes the image does look familiar, Envy.

One of the seven deadly sins that has captivated me lately dead on.

Envy. I've been very envious lately... Well I guess having my roomate around is one big mistake I've made lately. Oh envy... layuan mo ako! Well let's just say its 530am now, roomate just got home from another encounter from an uber gorge guy. blah blah.

Why do I feel like this lately?

Well I've just had enough blabbing of my roomate about his fortune and pool of the guys he just had effortlessly met. Silly. I guess that's the core of it all.

Well guess what, I've been wanting to meet a Mister as well. But my spirit is put down by all the.... (lol, actually just writing this down is making me realize already how silly I might be lately well..)

my spirit is put down by all the zero count that I've had. Well consequently, this just makes me feel insecure, unattractive and just way uber focused on that greeny greeny word. My god?! I need prayers, I aint like this.

What the hell!? Silently I said to myself and self crowned myself back then as someone who is just stable, good looking at my own rights, and confident. Where did my mojo go??? Doh.

"I Love Life... I love paris.. Dont you Angelo..?" That's what my roomate said to me before

dozing off. I just pretended I was sleeping.

How about HPV? The thought has been killing me in more ways that one. Screw this mayhem. So what now? Am I a "damaged good" forever? SCREW SCREW SCREW. How effin lucky was that.

You know... when I go out. People do show interest, but I dont even if I want to. Screw HPV.

Welcome to the other dimension!

Mind Mapping October 3, 2010

Gee, here I go again, Imma splurge my pandora's box so that I can reorganize the idea's and thoughts. Much like one of those cabinets that just has a bunch of stuff in this that we throw inside and suddenly a day of cleaning comes to arrange it all the way. Here we go...

Back then I was like having a wish na well I wish I had a friend here.... and well, when I prayed hard enough and I guess when the right time came, God granted me my wish....

I'm trying to imagine the way things are going and unfolding and I've realized something... When I first met him, I thought, hey isn't this nice, having someone around and hey great I've got a good buddy here.

And for the past couple of weeks.... I wasn't aware but only at this second can I say that that way I thought of him as a friend some what changed. It goes like... well damnit I am starting to really like this guy. Oh but pursuing this won't be a smart plan. Oh why am I feeling jealous all of a sudden then moody?

Well Joey, since you do realize now that while you're together... he does so much boy hunting all and this makes you feel really uncomfortable and sad all of a sudden. Now you realize these, how can I find a solution so that next time things will get better?

Are these all just a bunch of fatigue?

I'm trying to be aware of myself.

Okay Joey, tell yourself this. Don't screw up your friend, he is innocent and you won't feel any better if you do. Tell yourself this ok?

Fine you've had enough but control yourself, it will be worth it til the end... ok?

Well... I started to like him, thing is he doesn't like me back. Which kinda sucks. Joey he already sent you the message loud and clear, he's just not interested in you, but well as friends you go along together. He had been a very kind friend to you, screwing it up just because "I guess if someone doesn't love you back... it isn't such a crime", will not be fair and will not be smart. Having him around gives you company and joy of having someone around. I guess uhm... joey would you want this to situation to go away?

I wish I can be smarter and stronger about all these.

So have a bright bright day and few weeks months years ahead with him ok?

So get yourself all composed and realize this.

And gee, at the end of the day I still realize, damnit, I wish there was still that someone that will just be there to give me a hug, kiss, and well love. Some certain part of this world is turning out to be just crazy... well still again, I'm just here for the simple idea of having someone around to just address my desire to be accompanied and loved and be loved.

I'm seeking for that dynamic of love. Like just having someone around... something like you would want to go home earlier than usual so that you can prepare dinner for him and all... something like it's a friday morning and you're thinking what fun and nice thing you two guys can do for the weekend. Enjoy moments with him, with him with our friends, with him and the world. Love will be awesome, but well gruesome sometimes too. I guess that well, a certain degree of frustration and disappointment which I failed to address came in when the situation unfolded.

He could be ideal... but with this situation less the love.

And then maybe something about the past which I still have not reconciled with myself is still here and causing trouble. Something about my health that just causes a misunderstanding at the center of it all...

I'm also starting to become inggit. yeah. inggit. screw this word. I'm just inggit. When everyone else can just get as much as they want... but for me, I can't because damnit. I still can't. I guess what's worse than a sickness, it a sickness that doesn't heal. A sickness for my body, and a process of reconciliation with myself that just wont happen. Seeing a lot of guys and that desire and being approached and all and at the end I just turn everything down since well... my body and my spirit is still just sick. And I guess ok, now I get now where the need/desire to have someone is coming from, I'm expecting someone to make the step of accepting me because I'm just fed up trying.

I guess after 3...4... years, I ought to reconcile na this issue with myself and just not be so hard towards myself. How do I forgive myself again? I don't know really and maybe that's a clear fault of mine, I didn't think about how to do it. I just went to the battle without studying the dynamics. Something like how? Something like will I need help from someone else? Something like what form of medicine will I require to heal? For once and for all, with all the stupidity and carelessness from the past... I should take the bold step now, Jesus, I need to detach from this na and like heal... start a fresh page.

Hmmm... ok... MIND MAPPING ::: in the middle of these... I realized the thought, it may not be the super center of all the mishaps happening, but it is certainly something that causes the bara in the pipes. Do I feel like I'm exaggerating a thought? pas du tout.